Back to Square One: Relationships

When i was younger, my mom used to tell me that i shouldn't worry about what everyone else is doing. i only know about me, and what's in my heart, and that's all i can really account for. Such simplicity in that statement, yet it seems to be one of the most easily forgotten. All i know is that I am sick of all the drama, all the unspoken words, the complexities of relationships. All i know is how i react to those things. How am i supposed to know that you didn't like how i reacted to something if you don't tell me? I think i'm just gonna go back to simplicity. I'll tell you how it is, and if you don't like it, feel free to tell me. Unless you say otherwise, i'm your friend. There's no reason not to be; I have no reason to dislike you. Growing up, my philosophy of people was this: No one is really ever "bad." Everyone has their own stuff going on, and they have reasons for doing whatever it is that they do. If someone is rude to me, they're probably having a bad day. I've never met someone who set out to be mean to someone or wanted to hurt someone else just for the heck of it. And somewhere along the way, something changed inside of me. I don't think that way anymore. That compassionate side of me has become very jaded, and now suddenly, it's as if i have enemies or allies, and nothing in between. but you know what i've realized? i don't like this perspective. Other than the fact that it's catty and immature, I feel more alone this way. My "enemies" dominate my thoughts more than my "allies" do. I hardly think this is how God intended for relationships to go. So why do things turn out this way? i have no idea. But, it's like my mom always said: you only know what is going on inside of you, and you are responsible for yourself. So, in response to that, I am resolving to let stuff go. I'm letting go whatever anyone else has every said that hurt me, whatever has ticked me off, or made me cry, and even the stupid things that i can't remember that have ended so many friendships i can't even bear to think about. I am resolving to go back to square one. No one intentionally hurts someone for the heck of it. Everyone has their own stuff going on. No one typically sees past their own problems into the lives of others, myself included. We are selfish people. But i resolve to do just that. Because isn't that what we are called to do? We are called to serve God. We do that through worship, through walking with Him, and in our relationships with others, and how we treat other people. I intend to try to mend these relationships that seem to have rusted away. Usually over dumb stuff. But just because we get busy with our own lives doesn't mean we don't care. Am i right? So yeah. That's it. Lol

Life Lately :p

Well right this moment, i have a lot of things going through my head. The most prominent thing, however, is how infuriating people can be.. As a lot of people know, my aunt is in the hospital right now, in a diabetic coma. yesterday, they rushed my uncle up because things took a turn for the worst. Now, Aunt Amy and i used to get along really well, but my mom and her had a fight a couple of months back, she drug me into it, so we havent really been in the best of terms. This doesnt mean i love her any less, but i'm not going to sit here and act like we were super close noe that her life is on the line, because we weren't. I do regret that, but that is just how things are. I'm not going to sit here and act like we were the best of friends, when in reality, we really didn't get along at all. That is what my other aunt is doing. Everyone in my family knew that my aunt Amy could not stand mt aunt Sis. Yet, of course, now that Aunt Amy can't really say anythign about it, who do you think is sucking up all the attention now? Yep, Aunt Sis. That just irritates me. Why do you have to be so fake?? grrrrrrrr. okay, i'm done with that one now lol

In other news... haha ive been thinking a lot about my weight. It affects not only certain things i do in daily life, but also how i view myself, and unfortunately, (not that i care) how other people view me. I know that if i could just get a handle on it now, get in shape, i would be so much more organized, disciplined, and all other kinds of good stuff. but when it gets right down to the moment, i cave, and i eat that last piece of chocolate cake, or i buy those french fries at McDonald's, because i just "Have" to have them.. well i'm getting to the point where i'm just sick of it anymore. i don't want to live my life worrying about this forever. I know i have other things i could use all this energy on, rather than thinking about my weight problem all the time. Well, it's summertime, and i think its the perfect time to do it. but i tend to have problems keeping up with things, so that is going to be the struggle for me, i know that. But i'm determined. So determined, i'm putting it out here on the World Wide Web for all to see! :) so wish me luck!!! :)

Life lately :p

So, do ya wanna hear what's been going on in my life lately? On top of rapidly becoming a workaholic (haha!), this week is finals week for me, which means its my last week of my first year of college!!! I have also been trying to get back into painting, along with putting off packing up my dorm. I have been trying to save money up, but its so hard for me! lol and the reason why is that i always just feel like i need to buy things for EVERYONE. lol that needs to stop, i know :p I have also aquired an obsession for all things Paul Walker/The Fast and the Furious. Its too legit. (And this might sound psychotic in a way, but honestly, joking around about the fact that he is my husband takes my mind off of the depressing thoughts that i am alone :p) I have also signed up for summer courses, and i plan to live down here during class, and i am so excited about that!!!!

But I plan on using this summer for my advantage... I think the best plan for me is to just focus on work and school and working out for at least a month. That will  give me a basis of getting my life back in order. I slipped in my plans to get in shape, and i probably slipped a littlebit for school, too, which i am super mad at myself for. I tend to get very distracted. But the plan is for me to get back to school in the fall with some better habits all around: saving mone, focusing, eating better, planning, sticking to a schedule....

Needless to say, i am too excited to be getting out of school. I also plan to (in my spare time, Cate) blog more :) :) :) i know CATHY will be happy about that :) i mean, i guess that's all for today then! i'm off to my last final of my freshman year!!! gym... what a joke! :)

MORE RAIN?!

i'm not sure what to write here, but i know that certain people (CATHY!) have been pestering me, so here it goes :)

I feel like spring is here, and i am too happy about it :) Springtime usually means that things are just beginning, flowers are blooming, grass is growing, the sun comes out... I love everything about spring. It makes me so happy, and i love it. However, i am disappointed that there hasn't been much sunshine or blooming things because of all this rain. Yes, the plants need rain, i know. But they need sunshine too! and everyone's dispositions get really sour when they dont get to see the sun for long amounts of time. Anyways, this is gonna be a short one because i have class soon, but i guess i was just checking in so that some of you (CATHY!) will be satisfied :) love you!! :)

Worst blogger ever lol

i know, i know. i'm pretty much the worst blogger ever lol. but i've just been really busy lately and really confused. this is just going to be a short check-in because its like 12:45 am and i have class tomorrow lol... but i guess i just wanted to let it be said that i need to do some serious self-evaluating, because i don't like the kind of person i'm becoming with the habits i have seemed to form lately... my tongue can be a dangerous thing.. i know this and i know it can cause me a lot of regrets.. so i am working on it :)

Gertrude Bell

In History class on Friday, we learned about a woman named Gertrude Bell. Gertrude Bell was one of the first women admitted into Oxford University, where she continued to butt heads with professors, face adversity, and be the first woman to graduate with an A in history. Pretty cool, huh? well she didn't stop there, oh no. She then went on to travel the world, learn multiple languages, flies planes, etc. She did this all as an independent woman, and because she wanted to. For the whole rest of the day, i kept thinking about Gertrude Bell. How cool would it be to explore the world, and do good things for others just because you wanted to? To have something to wake up and look forward to everyday? Our entire lives, we get though middle school, waiting for high school, though high school, waiting for college. But what happens when we get through college? work? forever? i guess so.

I'm the first in my family to go to college. i know i won't be the last. The strange thing is that although my younger sister is, well, younger than me, i have always felt that i lived in her shadow. Weird, isn't it? Now she's looking into school, and it appears that she'll be going and doing what my parents wanted me to do my whole life. And i'm tired of always comparing myself to Alyssa. I love her, but who wants to be measured by the worth of their younger sister?

Plus, the older i get, the more my heart has grown for people. i love people, i love doing things for people, and i love to invest my time in people. I have a passion for people lol. So when i was hearing about the life of Gertrude Bell, i started to wonder, "what might it be like to give a significant amount of my life to other people? to do nice things for other people, just for the heck of it? and at the same time learn about those people, how they live, what they love, see how they think?"

Then i remembered something my friend had told me about the Peace Corps. I'd never really paid much attention to it before, but the more i look into it, the more i think i might like it. i could go away for about 2 years, help other people just because, and while teaching these people about myself, they would teach me too! i don't know if that's what i'll end up doing, but it certainly is worth looking into, i think. Besides, i have another 3 years before i can even start doing anything like that. but I do think it would be a good thing for me to do. So i don't know if this is something god is telling me to do, or if it's just my own fanciful thinking lol but rest assured, this is something i will be delving into further in the future :)

Proverbs 16

I've been feeling really burdened lately. My heart is hurting for a close friend of mine who isn't making the best decisions, and it hurts me to see her hurting herself in the long run. And i had no idea what to do about this burden that i have... And then it hit me: duh, go to the one place where the Big-Guy-In-Charge talks directly to you! lol but the problem was, i haven't opened a Bible in about 2 years :( so i grabbed my little brother and his Bible, and opened up to Proverbs, practically the perfect place to start when you're looking for words of wisdom lol

You really should go look it up and read through the chapter, its really very good lol but i'm just going to point out a few things that stuck out to me, and this situation:

16:1 & 2--"People make plans in their hearts, but the Lord controls what they say. Everything a man does might seem right to him, but the Lord knows what that man is thinking."
       This verse really stuck out to me. I have been worried for a good four days about my friend, because i can see quite obviously where she is headed down this path because of decisions she wants to make, and she can't seem to fathom what she is doing. She seems to think that she's "having fun" but in reality, she's blinded to how much more miserable she has become ever since she let the devil get a foothold in her life. Anyway, these verses showed me that although she seems to be making these decisions and going down these paths alone, God knows. God knows what she's doing, and how she will end up, and he's got her in his arms. Whether she wants to be there or not. And God is in control :) and that is comforting to me :) and in this passage, it keeps going back to the concept that God is in control of those who love him. I really like that about this passage.

16: 32-- "It is better to be patient than to fight. It is better to control your temper than to take a city."
     As of late, i've actually been getting kind of mad at my friend because of how she's been behaving. However, this just reminded me that getting angry at her will get me nowhere. All i can really do is pray for her, be there for her, and if the opportunity arises, try to show her, in a gentle way, how what she's been doing is affecting her and everyone around her.

I mean, i guess that's all i have for now... two posts in the same week, wow :) haha